Passion and jealousy

I can see kochi growing distant and distant with each second, starting to hide behind the clouds. the flight was reaching the designated altitude and even the towering western ghats disappeared into the white Smokey sea, and soon came the pilots announcement informing us the altitude and assuring our safety. Even though I was aware of all this happening around me, my mind was still running in circles around one thought- I want to move to Canada!!!

Kochi is my home town, where I grew up. I’m proud of it, the least to say. And obviously doesn’t hold anything against it. Everything from my accent to the way I dress up, everything I’ve learnt here in kochi. At 17 years of age, I had to move to Trivandrum for Med school and later to Hubli for post graduation. And I did not hesitate a bit to do so. Not because I was weary of my hometown. I was brought up in a normal middle class Indian family, with loving parents and a sister, who was a very sociable person unlike me - I used to hide In my room at the first sign of a stranger. And yes, there is nothing wrong with parents being caring, but it was suffocatingly too much for me, or at least I felt so, and i took advantage of the first chance I got to get away from my home. And it took me 7 long years, and a move to Hubli to understand that I was wrong and that I missed my parents.

Anyway, visits to home were few after the move. And this time around, i had an emergency and had to fly home for 2 weeks. And during my visit, I got to know that my sister is planning to migrate abroad, and yeah you guessed it right, to Canada. I told her I was happy for her. But inside, I was jealous. Jealousy is not a new feeling for me. Jealousy which fuelled me to high scores in school, to a good rank in Med school, and even led to a fight with my girlfriend because she was a better singer than me. I was always the priced child of the household, scoring better, acting more mature and behaving well in public; and never did I expect her to be the first one to leave the country. I wanted to go abroad from when I was a kid. But I chose to stay and join Med school, and it was entirely my decision, and never once did I regret it. Up until now. I can’t let me be the only one stuck here. I had to suffer through hard work, hardships and lose my peace of my mind and sleep to get to where I’m now, and others get a free pass to a good life? How unfair!!

This pushed my mind into turmoil. What lies ahead me is a stable life in India after post graduation. A decision to move to Canada will topple everything upside down. I might have to go through a lot and risk a lot. And my ever logical mind is not agreeing to risk a stable life here. And the process of getting to practice medicine in Canada is cumbersome, without any guarantee that you’ll succeed. I started looking for reasons to support my desire. the stuff I stumbled upon spanned from better work ours, good pay, and even to the fact that my better half wanted to lose her current job and that this will also help her to find a better job. How cheap of me!!

Now there is this voice in me which tells me it is fine to follow your fiery passions, and this other voice which tells me this is utter greed, jealousy and foolishness. And yes, obviously, I’ve decided to move to Canada. I’m just a human being after all. Greed, jealousy and desire are inseparable. Let’s see where the bare human in me takes me to.